Hello my friends,
    I am Luella May. I find myself in one of those times where a new door in my life opens wide and leads me to a brand new enchanting world. I have eagerly stepped through the threshold and have taken my first step.

    My life has not been extraordinary; in fact, it has been rather ordinary. I am an only child. Therefore, I got all the attention, good and bad. There was no one that I could share it with. Actually, one Thanksgiving in 1983 my Grandmother had a bit too much wine and told me the story of how I came about. I had two strikes against me. I was an accident, and then on top of that I had the audacity not to be a boy. My parents, as so many other people out there, should never have had children. All in all, as I look at where I am now, through all the abuse, hurt and tears, I find myself in a much better place than I have been through. Through a lot of soul searching and work on myself I have reached who I am today. However, I realize that I must still work so much the harder to become the person I still envision ahead of me. 

    My growing up years were, indeed, very unhappy ones. I got married at 19 to simply get out of the house. I have a grown daughter and a grown son. Though I did not realize it, I had a very unhappy life and at the age of 31 it culminated into my having a panic disorder. My 30’s were spent in searching for ways to rid the demons inside of me. Through a lot of suffering, tears, work, and anguished cries to God, I slowly learned to like myself as I was, as an almost homebound very ill individual. That was a new beginning for me, as I slowly learned to love myself for who and what I was. I would like to tell you that after ten years my recovery was complete, but anyone who has had a panic disorder knows that we merely learn how to function in life. And to those just learning how to cope let me reassure you that I function very well. I had to learn how to live again, how to go into a store, how to drive a car, how to deal with people, how to leave behind that sheer terror which always accompanied me. At the end of the road, I am a different person. I love myself first and foremost making it possible for me to love others. I am outgoing, I am happy, I accept every minute for what it is, good or bad and I find the beauty in everything. Where I was once isolated, I love people and have many friends. My function in life is not what they can do for me but what I can do for them.

    For the past four years I have been my mother’s caregiver. I watched our roles change to my being the mother and she being my baby. I watched in anguish as my heroine became helpless and passed away. 

    I seem to have reached a hiatus in my life where, for once, I am truly happy. Was all this suffering necessary to bring me to exactly where I am today? Maybe. Now is when I experience complete satisfaction, joy and love. I am on a brand new path in life and I look at each new day with joyful anticipation. I have wonderful plans for a bright new future with yes, my one true love, and I have found that just because I am a little older doesn’t mean I can’t still experience the joys in life and, like a schoolgirl, be head over heels in love.

    All in all, this is a summation of who I am now. I don’t know who I will be tomorrow, but anxiously anticipate a new and better me with every passing breath as I go along my life’s path.
By
Luella May©2005

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